Weaver's Week 2012-04-01

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April is the cruellest month, it's the time when channel controllers put the finishing touches to their programmes for the next winter. We can't be bothered to wait for the official press releases, and have hired in some people experienced at finding out news before it is news; after intercepting mobile phone messages and bugging conversations, lifting bits of paper off of desks was easy. Where available, we include details of who's making the programmes and where we think they'll end up.


Shows Before They're Shown

Have I Got Screws For You (Discovery Shed) A panel game about methods of joining wood together and other carpentry topics. Paul Merton's digressions into metalwork are not appreciated. May transmit under the title Have I Got Nails For You.

High Steaks (ITV3) Amateur cooks compete to prepare the best slab of beef in the Post Office Tower, on floor 47 of the Beetham Tower, and with a grand final at the summit of Snowdon. Matt Tebbutt is the cooking judge.

Treasure Punt (Challenge) Contestants follow cryptic clues hoping to direct their representative to the one off of The Mary Whitehouse Experience who looks a bit like Eric Idle. James Naughtie hosts. Following an unbroadcastable pilot, this replaces a previously-announced version seeking Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt.

The Exist List (ITVi) A pair of phenomenological philosophers travel through a series of identical rooms, where they reflect on what these perceived experiences might tell them about the nature of being a human. Kait Borsay reminds everyone of what's been decided so far, and Matt Alwright tries to move the discussion along.

Does it matter which room is next?

Only Correct (BBC4) Teams of boffins are let loose in a reference library, finding the answers to difficult questions. The clock rolls on until they give an accurate answer, and if it reaches zero, so does their prize. Victoria Cohen snickers from behind the reference desk.

Have I Got Cruise For You (Travel Channel) A panel game all about the experience of being at sea on a floating city. Features footage downloaded from the internet of Benton chasing swans. Dinner jackets for the winners, life jackets for the losers.

Wrong Direction (Channel 4) Five young people are given a crash course in various tasks to be done behind the scenes on telly, then set loose on a live prime-time show. George Lamb hosts the programme, but will he actually appear on it?

Wanted (UK Horizons) Paul Denchfield and Victoria Fay try to track down a popular boy band, using sightings from the public and by listening for the screamings of a thousand girlies. May not contain Paul Denchfield's left eyebrow.

Have I Got Kazoos For You (Radio 3 / BBC Sue) The antidote to classical concerts sees 500 people do very silly things, with Sue Perkins conducting some of them to make music. Tim Brooke-Taylor failed to understand the gig, and brought along a swanny whistle. There's always the one...

The Bristol Maze (Slingshot) Teams of six try to find their way from Cabot Square to a disused courthouse in Stokes Croft, via dimly-lit churches, shopping malls, and the terror that is The Undercroft. Make one false move and risk being caught by people too brain-dead for The Bank Job. Richard O'Brien narrates.

Tree of a Kind (ITV) In this hidden camera show, a tree in a city centre appears to ask passers-by to do something entertaining and nice for someone else. Gaby Roslin hosts, and Daniel Nettleton appears as The Voice of the Tree.

The Great British Cake Take (Kipling Films / Alibi) Who has stolen Victoria's sponge? Some of the country's top amateur bakers are hot on the trail of a cake thief, leaving a trail of lemon icing behind them. The best combination of cook and detective will win this contest.

DC Icing (right) and team ponder the clues.

Have I Got Ewes For You (UKTV Oo-Ar) Jimmy Turner hosts as two professional agriculturalists and two celebrities with green fingers discuss the latest developments in animal husbandry. Features footage taken off the internet of Benton rounding up sheep.

Going For Bold (UKTV Blighty) A show recalling those advertising jingles of the past, and re-enacting some of commercial television's bits between the programmes. Hosted by Danny "Doorstep Challenge" Baker.

Have I Got Hughs For You (BBC Huw) In which that bloke off of The Now Show and the former Antiques Roadshow presenter cross swords with the guitarist from Hawkwind and the bloke from Radio 1. Hosted by him off of the news.

Do Some Things and Win a Point (Channel 5) Cheap knock-off of the more famous show, in which contestants are challenged to do various random activities in the hope of possibly winning one of the night's four points. Hosted by Samanda.

The 300 (Endemol / Channel 5) Catching up with as many Big Brother contestants as they can lay their hands on. From Jade to Jedward, from Kenneth to Kara-Louise, every contestant gets at least one moment on screen. Except Brian Dowling, because he's done enough telly.

Apparently, if we put in a picture of Jedward, we get lots of visitors. Hello!

Have I Got News Fur Q (VH-2) The gangsta rapper, famed for his 1992 hit "Uzi Lover", hosts a panel game about all the news from the other side of the tracks. Features footage taken off the internet of Benton chasing some hose. At least, we think that's what they said.

Elbow Or Ars? (MTV Rux +1) A panel of very minor celebrities (think the cast of Made in Fulham) are played some records. They've to work out if it's an original recording, or by a "tribute act". Hosted by someone who looks a bit like Peter Andrex.

Daddy's Little Girl (Ecliptic / C5) Fathers don't trust their daughters to find the right boyfriend, so go off and interview possible suitors themselves. Will the daughter date the Parentally Approved Bloke, or go off with that motorcycle delivery courier?

Have I Got Pews For You (The Deity Channel) Four religious leaders answer questions on events spiritual. Featuring clips downloaded from the internet of Benton chasing away the Easter bunny. Hosted by Rev. Richard Coles.

Is Míse (BBC and TG4) Intermediate-level Irish learning programme, matching the person to the statement about their identity, and with a potential prize of 1000 euro. Presented by that film director's niece, Ann Copula.

Defenstrate! (RU.IN) The show where the number of things thrown out of windows can quickly add up. Includes the Defenestratower round, in which teams can build a defensive line from cups and paper plates.

Have I Got Queues For You (Safe Way TV) Players are positioned at the entry to a supermarket with a wire basket and a shopping list of nine items. They race to complete their shopping, then join the line for one of five open checkouts, randomly placed along a bank of twenty. Whoever waits in line longest, compared to the time they took to gather their shopping, wins and goes to play the bonus round – at the self-checkout!

U On My Mind (Cbeebies) A junior version of the Missing Vowels round, in which just one letter goes astray.

Twilight World (T4) Super fans compete to demonstrate they know more about Stephanie Meyer's religious tracts than an Only Connect contender (which isn't difficult). Second prize is the shirt off Jacob's back: first prize is to rip it from his shoulders.

The second prize is modelled for us.

Have I Got Spews For You (Inn Vision) A travelling spectacle, with Tim Hic! and Sharon Shozzled visiting a different public house each week. Correct answers are rewarded with pints, and the winner is declared after the Missing Wines round.

Emasculate! (RU-IN tv) The game show where female ascendance can quickly add up! Danielle Peake leads two teams in games designed to subvert the patriarchy, de-paradigm masculine dominance, dis-domininfy the normative cultural tropes, and build towers from paper plates and plastic cups.

Benton! (dot.tv) Dog owners compete to chase deer about the park, then put footage up on the internet. Hosted by M Khan of the North Circular.

Submerged Catchphrase (Challenge) Mr Chips, yellow and porous, what are these strange enchantments? Breathe deeply, push the underwater button and gargle well-known sayings or phrases. Hello to Jason Isaacs in the host's seat; isn't he a panic.

Have I Got News For Kew, Staines, and Yeading (S.K.Y. channel) Dermot Murnaghan presents the latest news from West London's local television channel, including shaky footage of the mystery dog chasing deer through Richmond Park.

Celebrity Bell End (Love Films / Tenbob TV) Various H-list celebrities attempt to smelt their own ringing instruments. Will they go like the clappers, or will their efforts fail to chime? Narrated by Martin Bell.

Jason Donovan Buys Green Spatula (OOB6 / ITV) Contestants try to guess what happens next as minor celebrities go about their daily routine. A low-budget late-night programme airing at 8pm Tuesday.

Panic At Tax (Wild Rover / BBC Continuing Education) Stephen Nolan and a panel of Northern Irish celebrities explain how to fill in your self-assessment form. With guest appearances from Dangor as Moira Stewart, and The Red Salamander as Himself.

Making it as comfortable as possible.

Robocall (RPC) Contestants are given a very simple task to do, and a location in which to do it. But while they're getting there, a series of phone calls offers them conflicting tasks, some of which carry rewards, some are essential to the challenge, some waste time. Will the contender be distracted from their mission, or will they reach the right place before closing time? Host – and voice of the calls – is the mysterious Pierre Poutine.

Have I Got News For Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grubb (Trumptonshire Broadcasting) Captain Flack asks difficult questions of the fire crew, such as how to rescue Mitzi, Daphne, and/or Lulu from a tree too tall for their ladders. Mr. Dagenham's helicopter is available, but it's up to them to find it.

Pointless Road Trip (Initial / BBC1) Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman visit those places that always seem to come up as pointless answers on their teatime quiz. The series spends some euro in Montenegro, talks to members of Steps and U2 about their forgotten number one singles, and finds out all there is to know about the Central African Republic.

Hashtag Smashbags (AC Media / BBC3) What is the significance of #k3rn3d? Why do all weather forecasts end #dowrapup? Should teachers be standing up for skateparks? A panel of twits sheds light, and viewers can interact with votes like #sueyes and #georgelambno and #bentoncomeback.

Administrate! (WTV) The show where piles of red tape can quickly add up! Includes the Speculate to Administrate round, in which teams put in order the 79 steps required to get a book out of the library. Later they construct their own Administratower from cups and paper plates and pompous piffle.

The Great British Cake Fake (Kipling Films / BBC Sue) Can experts tell a real cream scone from an imposter? Will they be able to spot a muffin baked using false flour? Mel and Sue examine the examiners, and find which know their nuts from their squirrels.

The W**k Job (Channel Bore) Spotty-faced youths are given nine letters, and compete to provoke a reaction from the panel, including resident curmudgeon Nick Hewer and Big Brother's Jack Dee. Broadcast live from a disused British Rail carriage, for no obvious reason. George Lamb to moderate.

And "moderate" becomes a personal best.

The Lower Classes Smell (Boz / UKTV Nob) Various members of the aristocracy, nobility, and other one-percenters attempt to discern the social class of various people, by olfactory perception alone. Rebecca Johnson is currently down to host this, but we think a related co-host is possible.

Cock of the Roost (Television XY) Following the success of Golden Balls, and the existence of a show called Cleverdicks, this title is going to be used. We're going to draw a veil over the plot on the grounds of good taste and seeing as how this article is going out before midday.


Second Round, Match 1

This show went out at 7.30 Friday in England and Scotland, 4.10 Saturday in Wales, and 7.30 Saturday in Northern Ireland. The rules slightly change for this phase of the contest: 90 seconds on the specialist subject, two minutes on general knowledge.

Nick Duffy kicks off proceedings with the novels of Martin Amis (b 1949). The son of Kingsley Amis, Martin has a precise writing style, is quick to judge, and perhaps too dark for his era. 8 (0). "London Fields"*.

Julie Aris has been looking at the Life of Lady Jane Grey (1537-54). Championed by the Duke of Northumberland, Grey was acknowledged by Edward VI as his successor. After nine days of confusion, Mary was generally recognised as queen, Northumberland lost his head, followed by Jane some months later. This contender has the brilliant advantage of being able to start the answer as soon as Humphreys finishes the question, and has another perfect round – 15 (0). "The Sisters Who Would Be Queen"*.

Steve Watson discusses the rock band The Who (est c.1960). Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, and John Entwistle formed a band called The Detours, they'd later be joined by Keith Moon. The group recorded concept albums like Tommy (1969) and Quadrophenia (1973), and they continued to play until Moon's death in 1980. 11 (1). "The Ultimate Collection"*.

David Love has been swooping in on British birds of prey. Birds that hunt for food while they're flying. Their diet includes such small furry creatures as rats, voles, and Terry Wogan's wig. 13 (1). Usborne spotter's guide*.

Stuart Reid has the Emperor Caligula (12-41). Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus was Roman emperor for five years, and is generally regarded to have been a bad steward of the Empire. He has been the subject of tabloid rumours – "A consol for my horse!" – many started by Rupertus Murdochius and his scion Piers Moronicus. 10 (2).

Mastermind Contenders Duffy, Aris, Watson, Love, and Stuart Reid.

Nick Duffy qualified with the Life and Career of Peter Cook just three weeks ago. It's a truism that a less-than-stellar specialist round can end one's hopes, but his 22 (0) is a fair target to tilt at. Stuart Reid is one of two people from last week's shows in this one, he got through the repechage with Everton since 1992. Remember when David Haye was famed for boxing in the ring? This contender does, ending on 16 (7).

Steve Watson has been waiting since 2 December, when he won with American number one hit singles 1955-1994. The contender picks up correct answers here and there. But here and there isn't quite enough, and he finishes on 21 (3).

The Life and Works of Ralph Vaughan Williams got David Love here, we saw him four weeks ago. The string section of the orchestra, the Londonderry Air, and the Roman numeral for 500 don't detain him for long. The Six Nations grand slam, the humble beetroot, and he takes a circuitous route to the Glencoe Massacre. It helps him to 25 (3).

Which means Julie Aris needs eleven to win. She got through last week, with the "What Katy Did" novels. We noted last week how the contender was a little hesitant in her second spell, and we've further evidence here, ending on 19 (5).

So David Love is the first into the final. Who joins him? Hang on...

Second Round, Match 2

This show went out at 8pm Friday in England and Scotland, 4.40 Saturday in Wales, and will go out at 7.30 next Thursday in Northern Ireland. Consider this a spoiler warning.

Gareth Kingston takes the Life and Career of Herbert Chapman (1878-1934). Manager of the Huddersfield and Arsenal men's football sides, his tactics were a strong defence and swift counter-attacking, a contrast to the hit-and-hope style common at the time. From longer questions, a teensy pause before answering, and a little bad luck with the buzzer, that's a perfect round. 12 (0). Simon Page's biography*.

Malcolm Sumner discusses the Life and Times of Benjamin Disraeli (1804-81). The leader of the Tory party promoted the expansion of the British empire, and was against free trade with the rest of the world. 11 (0).

Andrew Hunter runs on Railways of Great Britain in the 20th century. From a fragmented system in the early part of the century, railways were grouped, then nationalised, and finally broken up and sold off. 12 (0). Christian Wolmar's history*.

Welcome to John Snedden, with the Life and Career of Edward Jenner (1749-1823). A native of Berkeley, near to the contender's residence, Jenner developed a viable vaccine for smallpox, based on the less dangerous variant cowpox. Another score of 12 (0).

Nick Reed reads the Blandings stories of PG Wodehouse. This is a long-running series of farce novels starring Lord Emsworth and the Empress of Blandings. The contender's perfect round is spoiled at the end with a – literal – shopping list question. 13 (0). "The World of Blandings"

Just two points separate all the players, and Malcolm Sumner is first back. He qualified on 10 February, taking Bing Crosby. Bob Marley and the works of AA Milne help him to the lead, he knows about the Theory of Everything, and finishes on 23 (0). Gareth Kingston had the Life and Work of Augustus Pugin on 27 January. He gets red litmus paper, Alexander Fleming's discovery, and the origins of "cyberspace" – as a word, at least. 25 (0).

Field Marshall Montgomery brought Andrew Hunter here, the winner on 9 December. A mule, the Shannon, the Victoria Cross, and a matt finish all allow him to score. There's a pass in there, but also quite a few incorrect answers, and the final score is a very respectable 22 (3).

John Snedden's been waiting since the opening heat on 4 November, where he finished second with the siege of Malta. The peach Melba, bactrian camel, and the almond nut get him off to a good start, then comes a pass. The correct answers continue, but there's so little room for error tonight. 25 (3) isn't a winning score.

And finally! Twentieth and final visit to the chair tonight is from Nick Reed. He qualified on 6 January, when he took English Football League grounds. It's clear he's trying not to pass, but is he getting the correct answers he needs? It looks unlikely at the start, but he zigs with Tahiti when it's Hawaii where Cook was killed. The final score? 25 (0).

Mastermind High scores for messrs. Kingston, Sumner, Hunter, Snedden, and Nick Reed.

We'll have to stop tempting fate. It's a tie-break! Gareth Kingston gets just the one question right, the literary question on Pat Barker. Nick Reed is the twenty-second and final visit, and he gets John Adams and Arran as well as Pat Barker. Which means that Nick Reed has won, 3-1.

This Week And Next

"Big Brother has not come up once. Never. That's the kind of thing that preoccupies people in Guardian newsrooms, it's not what preoccupies the people of [Bradford West ward] Manningham." So said George Galloway, elected this week as MP for Bradford West. On the one hand, he doesn't want to be associated with Big Brother, and we do like to be polite respect people's wishes. On the other hand, he's going to be remembered as a media personality and not as a constituency MP. So, hmm.

The BBC has announced that it's not going to make any more episodes of Total Wipeout. The show, known as Richard Hammond's other home, has been brightening up the CBBC schedules since 2010, and a few episodes have sneaked out in just-about-primetime on BBC1. A sixth series was recorded last year, and these will provide one last trip to the big red round things.

In the week to 18 March, Dancing on Ice (7m) emerged on top, ahead of the finals for Masterchef (6.25m) and Let's Dance for Sport Relief (5.9m). In It to Win It secured 5.75m, Millionaire tok 5.3m, and Take Me Out 4.95m. University Challenge led on BBC2 with 2.75m, and newcomer Breakaway had 1.55m viewers. There were 2.1m for Celebrity Juice, and Deal or No Deal was Channel 4's biggest game show, seen by 1.9m. Take Me Out The Gossip was number two on the digital tier, with 840,000 viewers, and Come Dine on More4 took 535,000. Pointless on Challenge scored 155,000 viewers.

A big hullo to Junior Masterchef Australia (Series 1: Really, 5pm weekdays; series 2: Watch, 7pm weekdays). Just a Minute goes to India (Radio 4, 11.30am Mon) and continues on BBC2 (6pm weekdays), and there's another celeb edition of Who Wants to be a Millionaire (ITV, 8pm Tue). The Guessing Game (Radio Scotland, 2pm Wed) is new, What's the Story? (Radio Wales, 7pm Fri) and The News Quiz (Radio 4, 6.30 Fri) are back. The University Challenge Boat Race is next Saturday (defending champs Manchester v Cambridge, BBC1 and Eurosport, 2pm). The Voice (BBC1, 7pm) and Britain's Got Talent (ITV, 8pm) continue, and Deal or No Deal is in primetime (C4, 7.15).

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