Family Fortunes Cockups


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"We asked 100 people to name..."

Something you beat: Apple

A sign of the zodiac: April

A dangerous race: The Arabs

A part of the body with four letters: Arms

Something you have more than two in your body: Arms

Something you jump on: Balloon

A type of animal or bird featured in pantomimes: Bambi

Another word for a liar: Bananas

A musical instrument you can play in the bath: Bazooka (contestant had meant to say 'kazoo')

An animal native to Great Britain: A Bear

A part of the body everybody has only one of: Big toe

A slang word for money: Bitch (contestant thought Max had said 'Mummy')

Some famous brothers: Bonnie and Clyde

Something associated with "Superman": Black hair

A weapon used in 'Cluedo': Boxing glove

A famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

A song with "Moon" in the title: Blue Suede Moon

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine: Bicycle with wings

Something you open other than a door: Bowels

A bird with a long neck: Blackbird

A way of saying goodbye in a foreign language: Bonjourno (Also one of the actual answers on the board was Bonjour, 3 people had said it)

A famous bridge: The Bridge over Troubled Waters

Other than the news, name a type of TV programme: Brookside (Les then reminds the contestant that he asked for a type of TV programme and asks the contestant what kind of programme Brookside is. The contestant's reply was "Documentary")

Something with a red light on it: Brothel

Someone associated with the Wild West: Buck Rogers

A polite word you'd use to curse: Bugger

An animal beginning with the letter B: Bullfrog

A job for which you would need a torch: Burglar

Something that would scare Dracula: Bob Monkhouse

A Technique used for remembering things: A Camera

A famous Dick: Carrot

A point of entry used by a burglar: A cat flap (it was the 6th most popular answer)

A game played in the dark: Charades

An ingredient you use to stuff chicken: Chicken

A food that can be easily eaten without chewing: Chips (contestant was a soup salesman)

A part of your body, you only have one of: Combine Harvester

Something found on a fire engine: Coal

Something you associate with the sea: Coffin (contestant thought a word beginning with the letter "c")

Something slippery: Con-man

A way of cooking fish: Cod

A famous robber: Cops

A food that's difficult to eat if you wear false teeth (also, on another occasion, if you wear a brace): Curry (Ironically, Vernon Kay had come out with the former on the Gameshow Marathon version of the show, yet he was noticeably less than impressed with the latter when it cropped up during his tenure as host).

Something with a red light on it: Dalek

A song from The Sound of Music: Dancing Queen

Name a game played with a black ball: Darts (contestant thought Les said a "black board")

Something that's only useful when it's set: Dead animals for stuffing

Something you wear on the beach: Deckchair

Something you associate with the sea: Deckchair

Something you do in the bathroom: Decorate

A weapon used in Cluedo: Dice

Give a good reason for men to dig a hole in the road: Dig a grave (Bob's response at this point was: "There's a sign in the road that says 'Dead Slow!')

Something you'd wash in the sink: Dish clothes. (The contestant had originally answered clothes and Les asked her to be more specific. She came out with 'dish clothes', then did a double take and tried to change it to 'baby clothes', but, unfortunately for her, Les could only accept her first answer).

A famous Irishman: Disraeli (the same family also suggested Des O'Connor and Tom O'Connor, respectively a Londoner and a Liverpudlian). Max's response to the first one? "I'll tell you what - we get idiots on this show as well!"

Something that spins: Dodgem car

An animal you might see at a zoo: Dog

Part of a shirt: Door (the contestant thought Les had said 'shed', but luckily, he was able to change his answer to 'Collar' before his time ran out).

Something you'd see in a taxi: Door fittings

An unwelcome creature that may come in to your house: A double glazing salesman (presumably another tongue-in-cheek response).

A TV soap: Dove

A French ferry port: Dover

A Cluedo character: Dr. Morse

Something a bridegroom might wear: Dress

Something you'd sleep with in order to keep safe: Dummy

A famous Frank: Enstein - which the contestant actually pronounced 'En-steen', rather than 'En-stine'.

A kind of ache: Faceache

Something you trim: Feet

Something that makes you itch: Fibreglass

Something Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: Feeds Your Pets

A kind of ache: Fillet-o-fish (he heard "hake")

Something that comes in sevens: Fingers

A card game with a one-word name: Fish (the family concerned were adamant that such a game existed, despite Les's doubts).

Something that uses micro chips: Fish fryer

The first place where a detective looks for fingerprints: Floor

A type of record: Floppy disc

Name a famous Frank: French

An occasion or somewhere you are noticed to be late: Funeral

Something you keep in a garden shed: Gardener

A famous Irishman: Gareth Fitzgerald

A type of animal that plays with a ball: Gerbil (although this was nowhere near as bizarre as the answer that the contestant nearly gave, which was 'Ostrich'.)

Something a hostess does to let her guests know it's time to leave: Goes to bed

An ancient city: Greece

A boy's name beginning with J: Gerald

Something a cat does: Goes to the toilet

Apart from a pop star, name an occupation in which people often change their names: Having a sex-change.

A famous Dick: Head

Something a policeman carries with him on duty: Helmet

A game played in bed: Hide and seek

A famous prison: Highgate

Something that the bride should know before they get married: His name. (Max's response was, "Yeah - the two of you in the back of a taxi - 'With whom am I having the pleasure?'")

An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: Horse

Name something you play in bed: "I Spy" (it was the top answer!)

Something you write on a holiday postcard: I'm going to send you a postcard home

A famous Scotsman: Jock

A jacket potato topping: Jam

Something that melts: Jelly

A famous wildlife presenter: Jonathan Dimbleby

Something a dentist would say: Just a small prick

A sport which would be hazardous in a nudist colony: Leapfrog

A female character, past or present, in 'Coronation Street': Ken Barlow

Something you pour tea into: A kettle

Something people eat with steak: Kidney Pie

A part of the body beginning with the letter N: Knee

Something you buy for your plant: Leaf Cleanser

Something you take off before you go swimming: Legs

A kind of ache: Leg ache

Something you close: Legs

Name one of the Beatles: Lennie (the contestant had meant to say 'Lennon', but it somehow came out as 'Lennie' and Les had to accept the latter as her answer).

A domestic animal: Leopard

A famous Les: 'Les go and have a drink' and 'Les Be 'Avin' You' (both very tongue-in-cheek on this occasion, it has to be said. Oh, and guess what? The top answer was 'Les Dennis').

A character from 'Alice In Wonderland': Lewis Carroll - and also: The looking-glass

Something trainspotters keep in their pocket: Magnifying glass

A famous Royal: Mail

A singer who is known by one name: Michael Jackson

A famous cartoon dog: Mickey Mouse

Something that a Hell's Angel might wear: Motorbike

A TV chef: Mrs Beeton

A form of transport you can walk around in: My foot

Something red: My cardigan

Something that sets your heart racing: My husband (it scored 10 points).

A weapon used in Cluedo: My mother (another tongue-in-cheek offering)

Name something deserted in winter: My sister

Something that uses steam: My uncle. (Two team-members came out with this answer, both naming different uncles - yet another example of tongue-in-cheek responses).

A bird with a long neck: Naomi Campbell. (This was clearly another tongue-in-cheek response - and the one that appeared to be Les's favourite answer of all time - "...You just couldn't script that one..." he stated in an interview some years later).

An annual sporting event: The Olympics

A surname that sounds like a colour: Orange

A way to toast somebody: Over a fire (6th most popular answer!)

Something fun to do in winter: Party Games

A type of large cat: Persian

Something associated with Robinson Crusoe: Peter Pan

Something you squeeze: Piggy Bank

Something associated with pigs: The police

A non-living object with legs: Plant

A method of securing your home: Put the kettle on

A food that can be brown or white: Potatoes

A cheese named after an English county: Philadelphia

A popular space film: Raiders of the lost ark

Something you do standing on a chair: Read

Something associates with "The Three Bears": Red Riding Hood

A famous wildlife presenter: Richard Harris

A TV chef: Rolf Harris - and another strange answer was 'Ronay'. (The contestant was clearly thinking of the late Egon Ronay, who was actually a food critic rather than a chef, but Les, very bizarrely, didn't even seem to recognise the surname.)

Something a male nudist might use to hide his embarrassment in the kitchen: Rolling Pin. (Another bizarre answer to this question was 'teaspoon', while the answers that were on the board included 'teabag', 'slice of bread' and even 'doughnut'. One wonders how you could possibly embarrass a nudist in the first place, but maybe that's a question for another show.)

Something you put on walls: Roofs

An annual sporting event: Running

A game you can play in the bath: Scuba Diving

A number you have to memorise: Seven

A famous 'Arthur' : Shakespeare (contestant thought Les said "author")

Something made of wool: Sheep

Something you might accidently leave on all night: Shoes

Something you do before going to bed: Sleep

A job a working dog does: Slave

A type of mill: Snow mill

A bird with long legs: Sparrow (This answer was given in the Bob Monkhouse-era, many years before another contestant gave the answer 'Naomi Campbell' as a bird with a long neck. In those early years of the show, if only a contestant had come up with it, an alternative bird with long legs could have been Twiggy).

Something you jump on: Spider

Something that makes you scream: Squirrel

Part of a Christmas turkey: Stuffing

Something a blind man might use: Sword

Something a dentist would say: Smile and relax

A character from Cluedo: Steve

Apart from 'snowman' a word beginning with 'snow': Sugar

Something you do in the event of a power cut: Switch the light on

Something in the garden that's green: The shed

Something people might be allergic to: Skiing

Something you have with coffee: The Sunday Sport

A famous Harry Enfield character: Sooty

Something you wouldn't try even once: Sex in a train

Something bad you wouldn't think about: Sex

Something your partner can't do without: Sex (At this point, Les asked the contestant, "Fancy yourself as a bit of a stud, do you, Dave?")

Something you like that's bad for you: Sex. (At this point, Max said to the contestant, "You're doing this the wrong way round, you know, dear", to which she replied, "No, I'm not - I've got five children!")

A famous loch: Sex

A native American tribe: Sigh Ooks. (the contestant had caught a glimpse of the top answer on Les' card, but didn't know how to pronounce "Sioux")

Something you would do if you ran out of clean underpants: Sprinkle on some talcum powder

Something you'd sleep with in order to keep safe: Teddy (it was the top answer)

Something associated with 'The X Files': Television

A game played in bed: Tents

A character in "Alice In Wonderland": Tin Man

Something children miss most on holiday: The toilet

A famous Irishman: Thomas O'Malley. (Max's (somewhat ironic) response here was, "Yeah, that's a good one - he keeps the fish shop at Kilburn!")

A game played in bed: Trampoline

A famous Irishman: Trevor McDonald

A bird with long legs: Turkey

Something you'd take with you to the beach: Turkey

The first thing you'd buy at the supermarket: Turkey

A way of communicating over long distances: Twenty four hour parcel post

An item of clothing you might borrow from your partner: Underwear

A famous Scotsman: Vinny Jones

A word to describe a very hot day: A very hot day

Something you do in an anorak: Wear it

Someone associated with the Wild West: Wild Bill Heecock (Les took a moment to work this one out, but did (rightly) accept it as 'Wild Bill Hicock', although he couldn't resist adding, "Something Cock").

Something with a hole in it: Window

Something that floats in the bath: Water

Something you might do in a lift: Wee

Something a dog can do that you wish you could do: Wee in the street (it was the 4th most popular answer).

Something a car can have two of: Wheels

A bird you might find near water: Woman

Something you put out for the birds: Worms (actually not a bad answer - not currently, anyway - as people quite frequently put out mealworms for birds).

A surname that sounds like a colour: Yellow

A song with yellow in the title: Yellow Banana

A song with yellow in the title: Yellow Garden

One of "The Three Bears": Yogi

Something you stroke: You stroke a match

The last thing you take off before going to bed: Your feet

Something you jump on: Your partner

A place where you'd keep a pen: The zoo

A type of bean: Lesbian (Les Bean)

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